Give Yourself Away

Another poem of mine to share:

More

When you want what you have,
when you love who you are,
what more do you desire
and what more does God wish to give?
Experience?
Relationship?
Mutuality?

When you want what you have,
and when you love who you are,
you will desire to give yourself away,
to be totally shared with Others,
and the more God wishes to give
is the ultimate surprise - Godself.


It brings me joy to announce that in commemoration of the first anniversary of the release of Everyday Sacred, I have decided to make the electronic version (pdf format) available to download free from my website (www.clarenceheller.com - toward the bottom of the home page).  The poems and paintings in this book were a gift to me, a gift given to be shared with others.

Butterflies and Native Flowers

Butterflies and native flowers at our place in the country.  If your soul is hungry, feed it beauty.

Back From Retreat

Back from retreat, and very grateful for the experience.

At 3:00 am the morning I left to start the retreat, the following poem came to me.  I dedicate it to Marilyn.

Why Make Retreat

Why make retreat?
to reinvigorate priorities,
to hear God more clearly,
to love more completely.

Why make retreat?
to return again home to you.

Retreat

My retreat starts tomorrow.  Here is a poem I find fitting.

FOR THREE DAYS

Not many teachers in this world

Can give you as much enlightenment

In one year

As sitting all alone, for three days,

In your closet

Would

Do.

That means not leaving.

Better get a friend to help with

A few sandwiches

And

The chamber

Pot.

And no reading in there or writing poems,

That would be cheating:

Aim high - for a 360 degree

Detox.

This sitting alone, though, is

Not recommended

If you are normally

Sedated

Or have ever been under a doctor's

Surveillance because of your

Brain.

Dear one,

Don't let Hafiz fool you-

A ruby is buried

Here.

From The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master, translated by Daniel Ladinsky.

Anticipation of Retreat

In about a week, I will go on a week-long silent retreat.  The following poem came to me.

Anticipation of Retreat

Take nothing to read,
No journal or pen,
Slow
D
O
W
N
To the point of no motion,
The absolute zero of the soul
Attentive
Patient
Prolonged
Listening

And welcome whatever happens,
even if whatever feels like nothing.

And forget what you thought
you knew - all of it.

And welcome God,
as God wishes to be
with you.

Italy

Just returned from a trip to Italy with my wife and daughter.  Visited Rome, Sorrento, Pompeii, Amalfi Coast and Paestum.

When in Rome...eat!

The best part of the trip was the laughter - which cannot be captured with images or words.

Prego.

Cicadas

Cicadas

She enjoys knocking them to the ground
and crushing their bodies underfoot.
She delights in spraying the hose
on a tree where they've clustered,
"Fly buggers, take that!"
Screeching, screaming, swarming,
raucous, rumpus, creeps her out.
Don't you just hate when you feel one crawling
up your neck ten minutes after coming inside -
one hitched a ride on the back of your shirt?

He greets them.
Amazed at how loudly one can sing,
he welcomes their chorus.
"Sit closer," he says,
"that I may marvel at your beauty."
Rich black, orange and shimmering.
A testament to God's perfect timing
and the rhythm and perseverance of nature.

She has difficulty seeing the little critters
as a sign of a healthy ecosystem.
He has difficulty seeing that
she simply doesn't like bugs.

Happy Anniversary

Engraved inside my wedding ring is the date "May 28, 1977."

On the cover of the program from our wedding (framed and sitting on the bookshelf in my office) are words from Song of Songs.  "My beloved spoke and said to me, 'Rise up my love and come away.  The winter is past.  The rain is over.  Flowers appear on the earth.  My love belongs to me and I to him.'"

And from my book, my words when thinking of the love of my life...

Lost

Today I lost something precious.
When I had the urge to hug,
I let is pass unfulfilled.
When I could have smiled,
I looked inward and resisted.
When I could have listened,
I allowed busyness to steal me away.
I can live with that,
I do each day, with the hope
of a tomorrow more filled with love.
But what I cannot bear to face,
what stops my heart,
is the thought of losing you.

More on Snakes

Snakes

Sometimes people are like snakes ...
misunderstood,
unappreciated for their beauty and
the important role they play in the world,
shunned,
loathed,
feared,
victims of violence.

Sometimes people are like snakes ...
hoping to be authentic
and trying to live accordingly.

Snakes

At our weekend place in the country again, walking through the woods, I encountered a Black Rat Snake sunning itself in the path.  I spent a few minutes watching it, and then decided to try to walk on the edge of the path around it, but then the snake started making a rattling sound so I changed my mind.  Actually, making this sound is one of the defense mechanisms of this type of harmless snake (harmless unless you are a small rodent that is).

On our property, we have also encountered an Eastern Hog-nosed Snake, which can spread its neck to look like a Cobra.  How fascinating that this harmless snake would mimic the type of venomous snake that is not native to the entire North American continent!

I have also had the privilege of seeing a Red Milk Snake, again harmless, but oh so beautiful.  This snake mimics the potentially deadly Coral Snake, although Coral Snakes are not found in Missouri.

So it occurs to me that sometimes we are like snakes.  We pretend to be something or someone we are not in order to avoid getting hurt.  I come back to a couple of my basic understandings.  First, to encounter love requires becoming vulnerable.  Second, the definition of holiness is authenticity.

More about snakes next time.

Mother

Mother
She wiped his toddler nose
and held his hand
and told him stories as he sat on her lap,
stories of the ancestors,
ancient and recent,
stories of her childhood.
She expressed her joy and love and gratitude
to him through her actions and words
and in her prayers.
She delighted in the times he
and her husband spent together,
learning how to saw and carve and nail,
and how to invite God into everyday work,
to begin and end the day the same way-in prayer.
Her husband taught him about growing into a man,
gentle, respectful, generous.
She expected him to become a preacher,
a rabbi, a leader, or a combination,
but not a revolutionary.
Yet her biggest surprise was that at his essence
he was a lover.
He could melt hearts,
dissipate fear,
and heal hatred
in those brave enough to spend time with him.
And she knew his parents
had not taught this precious gift,
although they welcomed and encouraged it.
No, this most precious, essential gift
was Godself living in him,
a gift he shared so freely,
a gift that we all have been given,
a gift we are challenged to accept and to live.

From my book.

Listening

I was struck by the following poem (from The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master, translations by Daniel Ladinsky).

WHY NOT BE POLITE

Everyone

Is God speaking.

Why not be polite and

Listen to

Him?

Reminded me of a painting I made several years ago, a self-portrait of sorts.  Myself as a spiritual director. 



Holy Week

We spent Holy Week at our place in the country.  Sometimes using fewer words is better.

Home

We left the garage door open for one day, and a bird (one with sole) built a nest in one of our shoes. We all want a home. We all need a home.

At a recent retreat, all participants were asked to introduce themselves by saying where home was for them. I said, "In Marilyn (my wife) and in God." I did not think about my answer very much, but rather offered the answer that was there within me. Yet it makes me curious why I did not say "with" rather than "in."

With God is true, yet is much too small. More accurately I am with and in God, so I suppose that also applies to my home with Marilyn. Marilyn is much more than what is contained by her body. Marilyn is spirit, thoughts, memories and a future yet to unfold. Marilyn lives in my heart. So actually, I am with and in Marilyn as well.

I am so grateful for the awareness of the integration of my home in and relationship with Marilyn, and my home in and relationship with God. In love and with God, there is no dualism.

All this talk of home reminds me of a poem from my book.

A Trip

I closed my eyes and was transported to a remote planet,

where colors danced as from artistic genius,

where beauty abounded,

and gentleness pervaded all,

a place of tangible revelation of God,

calm and bursting with energy at the same time,

breathtaking and life-giving,

overwhelming yet reassuring.

Then I opened my eyes and I was still in that place.

I was home.

Surprise

Each time we have gone to our place in the country over the past ten years, I have been surprised and delighted to see something new (to me anyway). This past week was no exception. I saw a hanging bird's nest. I did not know birds constructed nests in this fashion. How clever. Marvelous indeed.

I read once that perhaps the best name for God is surprise. I wonder how I may be surprising people (sometimes I even surprise myself), and I wonder if I am attentive enough to other people to be surprised. I often welcome the surprises that God wishes to bring ... many times the surprises are things or happenings that I never could have imagined ... and always a gift in some way. Reminds me of a short poem from my book, Everyday Sacred.

     Surprise

     If you live in today
     you will welcome the surprise of tomorrow

Fishing

I find fishing to be a contemplative practice.  Totally focused.  No thinking.  Be-ing in nature.  Be-ing in and with God.  It feeds my soul and refreshes my spirit.

I find fishing to be an act of violence, especially when catch-and-release, as I practice.  Harming the fish for no reason other than my enjoyment.  Exploiting nature.

Yet with a post-modern perspective, I can rationalize fishing with the "both/and," and I tell myself that perhaps one day I may fish without hooks ... just not yet.

And I have a feeling that in this regard, the fish may be linear thinkers - very clearly discerning the proper path.

David L. Fleming, S.J.

David L. Fleming, S.J. was born into eternal life on March 22, 2011.  In his honor I wish to post his translation of the Principal and Foundation, from his book Draw Me Into Your Friendship: A Literal Translation & a Contemporary Reading of The Spiritual Exercises.  Thank you, David, for sharing your life, gifts and friendship with us.

God who loves us creates us and wants to share life with us forever.  Our love response takes shape in our praise and honor and service of the God of our life.

All the things in this world are also created because of God's love and they become a context of gifts, presented to us so that we can know God more easily and make a return of love more readily.

As a result, we show reverence for all the gifts of creation and collaborate with God in using them so that by being good stewards we develop as loving persons in our care for God's world and its development.  But if we abuse any of these gifts of creation or, on the contrary, take them as the center of our lives, we break relationship with God and hinder our growth as loving persons.

In everyday life, then, we must hold ourselves in balance before all created gifts insofar as we have a choice and are not bound by some responsibility.  We should not fix our desires on health or sickness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, a long life or a short one.  For everything has the potential of calling forth in us a more loving response to our life forever with God.

Our only desire and our one choice should be this: I want and I choose what better leads to God's deepening life in me.

Making Space

I once heard a talk from John Foley, S.J. in which he used an image that has stayed with me.  The image is a closed fist versus an open palm.  If we cling to what we have (a closed fist) we are not open to receive whatever gift someone may offer.  If we let go of our attachment to what we have (for instance, to possessions, honor, pride - things that get in the way of embracing our total dependence upon God), we become free to receive whatever gifts God wishes to give.  Simple to say perhaps.  Not so easy to live ... a surrendered, free life full of gratitude.

Travelers

The other day while praying, I noticed an empty nest, and the following poem came to me.  Enjoy!

Travelers

Birds don't sit around
in their empty nests.
Why should we?

A Blessing

Victor, our guide for the walk through a rainforest in Costa Rica, asked the usual question while driving us back from the tour.  "I am retired," I said, "but spend much of my time doing ministry work."  "Like for a church?" he asked.  And I answered in the affirmative.

Victor proceeded to tell me his story.  That he became a believer at the age of nineteen.  When being operated on for a brain tumor, he died and went to heaven for awhile.  He said that he visited the room being prepared for him, and he wanted to stay there, but someone (an angel?) told him that it was not yet the time for him - that his room was not yet fully prepared, and that he had work to do.  He was meant to help people.

Victor, now middle aged, also told me that the doctors said that he would never have children.  "Just more of the miracle," he explained, "today I have two lovely daughters."

Then after we had arrived, Victor turned his attention to me.  Looking into my eyes, he said, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift.  You are meant to help people" Victor told me.  And then he gave me a blessing.

The photos above are of a Common Basilisk lizard (the kind that can run on the surface of water) and a Tiger Heron.

Costa Rica

Fishing in Costa Rica: Fantastic.

Spending a week with my son: Priceless.

As the Rays Are to the Sun

I just love sunny days, especially in the winter.  Reminds me of a part of the Contemplation to Attain Love in the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius Loyola "I will consider how all good things and gifts descend from above; for example, my limited power from the Supreme and Infinite Power above; and so of justice, goodness, piety, mercy, and so forth - just as the rays come down from the sun, or the rains from their source."

May the light of God, the light of Love, shine through you this and every day.

Out There

In honor of all the poets, artists, musicians, bloggers and lovers out there, here is something I wrote recently.  Enjoy!

Out There

I put myself out there,
and some people frowned,
others pretended not to notice
and others really didn't,
some jumped up and applauded,
and some welcomed the silent tears
of being touched.
Yes, I put myself out there,
with God,
and we smiled.

Valentine Cake

It is finally here - Valentine's Day 2011 - a day my family yearns for all year around!  Why is this day so special?  It is special because of THE Valentine's Day cake my wife makes every year.

It all started when the children were in elementary school, and my wife cut a recipe out of the newspaper for a chocolate Valentine's cake.  She brought the cake to the table and it was two layers, heart-shaped, and covered in a beautiful, glossy chocolate glaze.  Then, she cut it and voila - the inside was full of a white, shimmery cream - it was a huge, gourmet Hostess cupcake, and much more delicious!!

Ever since, it has been a cherished tradition in our household that we look forward to every year.  Although now the children are older and we don't always get to eat the cake together as a family, there is always Valentine's cake for everyone when they stop by.  Nothing says love like a delicious homemade chocolate cake.

Music

Blessing and curse.  Someone gave me Lady Gaga's The Fame CD for Christmas (which I had asked for).  Of course the giver's generosity and my receiving the gift were blessings, but also it is a gift to expand my horizons and music is a great way to do that.  Some of the songs draw me in to singing along and "dancing" while driving in my car. (Perhaps it is time for me to produce a video for Youtube?)

The curse is that I cannot get these songs out of my head.  I turn off the CD player, but the songs continue playing.  I wake up in the middle of the night, and the songs are still playing.  Some may consider this music superficial, but in my judgment it has been crafted quite skillfully - once in your head, it stays there.  Kudos to you, Lady Gaga.

I once heard that all cultures have developed some form of spiritual practices, and also that all cultures have developed some form of music - and these two developments are related.  Both are fundamentally spiritual.  Both are related to finding meaning, and I would say that both relate to a sense of getting in touch with the fact that we are all connected.

When I sing along, perhaps I can empathize with the feelings the song evokes, and I feel connected.  Tapping along with the rhythm is a physical expression of being connected.  I recall when I played in a band in high school, it was the sense of being part of a group and being interconnected that I enjoyed most.

May you be blessed by continuing to make new connections.

THE SUN NEVER SAYS

It has been snowy here.  With snow on the ground, the sun can be blindingly bright.

I have been praying lately with The Gift: Poems by Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky.  I found the following poem especially beautiful, and I wish to share it with you.

THE SUN NEVER SAYS

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe

Me."

Look

What happens

With a love like that,

It lights the

Whole

Sky.

Beauty

In his book "Acts of Faith", Eboo Patel says that “[one] understanding of Islam can be summed up in the famous saying of the Prophet Muhammad: ‘God is beautiful and loves beauty.’”

With that thought in mind, I hope you enjoy the following poem I wrote.

In Plain Sight

It’s hiding right under your nose,
in plain sight,
all around you,
deep within you,
in ways you could never know,
secret places that others may reveal,
you can touch, taste, smell and hear it,
take a long luscious lick,
bite off more than you could chew,
let it overwhelm and welcome you,
yes, let it welcome you,
Beauty.

Oh deer

I spent the weekend relaxing at our place in the country. Maya, our doggie, discovered part of a leg bone from a small deer. (We suppose that the coyotes got it.) What a treasure for her!

I woke up at five in the morning dreaming about hearing an owl...then realized that there actually was an owl hooting. But my favorite part was seeing a pileated woodpecker.

Can't wait to go back.

Burning Bush

This painting was inspired by an especially beautiful autumn day as I was walking to theology class. I noticed the sky, the colorful leaves, and the deep red burning bushes. And it occurred to me that this is holy ground just as Moses experienced, that God is here too -- among the fall colors and feelings, students and homeless persons.

Journey together

I started another Month of Guided Prayer retreat in everyday life this week.  What a gift!  What a privilege to companion others. 

This is my 36^th retreat serving as coordinator of this ministry, and I have come to know that each retreat is different, and each is good.  As I anticipated starting this one, it felt like going on a pilgrimage – a deep desire to encounter the holy, expecting and welcoming the surprises that God may offer. 

And so here I am, not in some far away place that is holy, but instead it is with these people near my home many of whom I have never met, and we journey together for awhile on holy ground.

This is a poem that came to me while on the last retreat I led, which started the first week of Advent.

 

Advent

Hosanna angels have arrived for another visit.

We sit in the holy of holies.

Spirits surround with comforting presence,

loving, being,

goodness permeates all.

Doesn’t matter that they are invisible

or that you may not feel them.

They are here.

They are healing our wounds,

anointing and praying,

and healing our wounds,

with God,

in God,

from God,

to God.

And the Hosanna songs that began

two thousand years ago continue.

Sing along if you like.

Rejoice.

Even in the cold, poverty and isolation,

rejoice,

for God is with us.

Sun, surf, and a good book

This beautiful photo was taken by my daughter on  a recent trip I took to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic with my family.  I enjoyed sitting on the beach in 80 degree weather under a thatched roof being with the sights and sounds of the ocean … and reading.  I highly recommend three books from that trip - "Tattoos on the Heart" by Gregory Boyle, "Half the Sky" by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn, and "Acts of Faith" by Eboo Patel.  

Reading the following words of Rumi in Patel’s book brought tears to my eyes.

I am not from the east or west

not up from the ground

or out of the ocean

my place is placeless

a trace of the traceless

I belong to the beloved

Austin

My great nephew was recently baptized and many family members participated in a beautifully created ceremony.  I was invited to write a poem as my contribution to the ritual and so I wish to share it with you. 

Welcome, child, welcome,
to the fullness of life,
to goodness,
to love, from love,
to the surprises of God.

Challenge us, child, challenge us,
to be authentic and honest,
to love you when it is difficult,
to set you free when we would rather cling,
to encourage you to take risk when we
      would rather keep you safe,
to be patient and kind always.

Bless us, child, bless us,
with your laughter and smile,
with your needs and wants,
with your struggle for independence and self-discovery,
with your successes and failures,
with growing into the fullness of yourself.

Delight us, child, delight us,
with your questions,
your friendships,
your love affairs,
your kindness and generosity,
and with your passions.

Celebrate, child, celebrate,
with us,
for today we honor that you have already
      changed the world for the better,
and we are grateful.

How the title came to be

As part of the process of navigating toward publishing my book, a collaborator on this project (thank you, Pat) encouraged me to create an intention board in the form of a collage, and I did. As with painting, I approached this as a form of prayer, and I was very pleased with the result. It was full of joy, abundance, and freedom, and the strongest theme to emerge was connecting.

One part of it says “It’s your gift: connecting new.” And I believe this is true. I have a passion for helping others “connect new”: to bring awareness to what they already understand deep down but have lost or forgotten, and use this awareness to reconnect with each other, with God, and with their authentic selves.

I lead retreats in Guided Prayer and my work in that forum does much the same thing.  Writing, painting, facilitating retreats -- all are an extension of my living in consonance with my purpose in life.  And for that I am grateful.

Night Songs

Some birds sing at night
intermittent choruses of
invitation and yearning
filled with hope
that a lover can find
her way through the darkness
gentle alluring
both persistent and patient
waiting for a response
knowing it will come
some special night

And then there was color

My spiritual director encouraged me to paint as another expression of my connection to God.  It took quite a while before I could get comfortable with this process, but now I find the work to be very joyful.

Before beginning each painting I surrender all of myself to God (body, mind, spirit, emotions, will, intellect, imagination, subconscious, and whatever else of me there is) and ask God to say to me whatever God wishes through the painting.

I ask to be able to tell God what is deep inside myself through the painting. I use my non-dominant hand to finger paint, with the hope of letting go even further any perceived control I may have. And I lose myself.  It is a process of non-thinking, non-verbal, emotional, authentic expression in which the colors choose themselves.

I am often surprised at what appears on the paper.  It is being and doing with God.

Flowers of God’s love

I like to say that people are flowers of God’s love. Like every flower, each person is unique and beautiful. Each is a physical revelation of God, the source of all goodness and life. In this painting, the marks flying around represent that our goodness touches the lives of many other people, in ways we recognize and in ways we do not.

In the beginning

Like many, I experienced an adolescence of insecurity with feelings of inadequacy. As I entered adulthood, I compensated for these feelings by throwing myself into work. Relentlessly trying to prove to others (and to myself) that I was good enough, my competitiveness and ambition brought me success in careers in engineering, and later business.

At the age of forty-five, I wanted to change my life and I decided to retire and study theology. I was raised Roman Catholic, but my spiritual life was shallow. During my first year of studies at the Aquinas Institute of Theology, I began receiving the counsel of a spiritual director and participated in The Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius Loyola. It was then that my life and my relationship with God changed profoundly.

I first started writing poems when I was courting my wife, but this expression of my creativity soon became dormant. During a prayer session in 2003 (two years after retirement), my urge to write poetry returned. Since then, more than three hundred poems, prayers, and reflections have come to me.

I am not so much an author or artist as I am a pray-er. The process of writing occurs in the context of prayer, most often during a block of time I have intentionally set aside to pray. When I am moved to write, it always starts with a word or two that opens the door to a sacred space, and then I pick up my pen and write in my notebook. It is an interactive process. It is an act of welcoming and surrendering, giving and receiving.